I have recently been bombarded received an awful lot of emails from you, George Osbourne and a few others at Conservative head office.
During the election campaign, while these were far too numerous and repetitive, I didn’t mind much. Though I’m not sure where you got my email address from or what agreement you thought I had given you that I wanted this correspondence, it was at least more convenient than all paper propaganda I got through my letterbox (from all parties, though, again, more from The Conservatives than the other parties)
But since the ballots closed at 10pm last Thursday I’ve been getting really fed up of it.
The tone has changed. Rather than slagging off the opposition and asking for my support and vote, you have now started to use arrogant language that just assumes that I did support and vote for your party (which, as it happens, I did not).
I wanted a hung parliament. And I got one. Thanks.
No matter which parties were to be involved in a coalition (the formal one you’ve agreed or another form, had it gone that way) I’m just glad that parties are having to work together and it’s not a single party forcing things through regardless.
Now, to be honest, I’m not really a big fan of you but I reckon you’ve been talking pretty sensibly over the last 24 hours or so and I’m hopeful that you and your party will keep up the apparent openness, positive consultations, and alleged desire for fairness.
But please: stop claiming my vote, stop implying greater Conservative support than there was, and please PLEASE stop emailing me bollocks.
PS – I have included below a couple of examples with comments to help you understand the problem.
So, here’s the email I got from you on Saturday 8th May 2010:
From the bottom of my heart – thank you.
You’re welcome. For what?
Thank you for voting Conservative on Thursday. Every vote counts and you helped Britain vote for change.
Ah. How embarrassing. You see, I actually didn’t vote conservative. Perhaps you want a different Mydogminton?
More than that, I want to thank you for fighting and campaigning so hard for the past few weeks. I know how hard every supporter, member and activist worked during this campaign. I know how tough and gruelling it was. I know how tired you all feel now. You’ll have blisters from all the pavements you’ve pounded; paper-cuts from the envelopes you’ve stuffed; bruised knuckles from the doors you’ve knocked on.
Yeah, I think you’re definitely after somebody else. The only things I’ve done to help is scan and upload some of your leaflets to The Straight Choice.
But I don’t want you to doubt for one minute that it has been worth it. First of all, we should be proud not just of how hard we fought, but the way we fought. Our campaign was unremittingly positive and optimistic – and that’s just what our country needed.
Second, we should be proud of the results we achieved. We gained more seats than at any election since 1931. We became the largest party in the House of Commons by a considerable margin. And we got two million more votes than Labour – and indeed, more votes than Labour did when they won in 2005. The swing we achieved was massive by historic standards.
By any measure, these are really impressive results and I, the Shadow Cabinet, our MPs old and new, and all our candidates owe each and every one of you a huge thank you.
But however much pride we can take in the enormous advance, we have to accept that we fell short of an overall majority. I know how much you wanted one – I wanted one too. But now we have to work with what we have. As I have been saying these past couple of days, it is vital Britain gets strong, stable and decisive government. The challenges we face – a war in Afghanistan, the debt crisis and an economy that is stuck, deep social problems, political crisis – call for nothing less. So it is in Britain’s national interest that the Conservative Party rises to this challenge and works to secure good government for our country.
I didn’t want an overall majority. I wanted a hung parliament.
That’s why yesterday, I made a big, open and comprehensive offer to Liberal Democrats. [blah blah trident, blah, immigration, blah blah] Inevitably, these negotiations will involve compromise. But that’s what working together in the national interest means. I hope we can sort things out as quickly as possible, for the good of the country. But we won’t rush into any agreement.
We’ve got to make sure that anything that results really is the best possible outcome for Britain – that it really is in the national interest. After all, that’s what this party has always been about. That’s what I’m about. And I know that’s what you want, and what the country wants right now too.
And this is the email I got today (Wednesday 12th May 2010) having become the new Prime Minister yesterday evening:
Thank you for all your patience over these past few days. I know that you must have found it frustrating not knowing exactly what was going on while negotiations continued. However, the great news is that after 13 years, our party is back in government.
No. Actually, I haven’t sound it particularly frustrating. Sorry, who’s party – don’t tar me with your shitty stick.
So first, I want to thank again for all your hard work and dedication, not just over the past few weeks but over the past few years. I literally could not have done this without you. We can be immensely proud of how far we have come from our defeat in 2005.
Believe me – you very much did do this without me.
We have seen the election of nearly 100 extra MPs, we have gained more seats than in any election since 1931 and we are now the party of government once again. No-one should underestimate the scale of our achievement in such a short space of time, and it would not have been possible without your support and commitment to the cause.
No. You’re not the party of government. You’re one of two parties who have jointly formed a government. Too many people (63.9% of voters, in fact) wanted somebody other than you, for you to be the party of government on your own.
Second, I want to tell you what I can about the agreement we have made with our new partners in government, the Liberal Democrats. As I said after the election last week, more than anything else Britain needs strong, stable and decisive government at this point in our history. And it was in the national interest that we achieved this on a secure basis.
This is why I made a big, open and comprehensive offer to the Liberal Democrats last Friday. I signalled, from the very start of the negotiations, that we had to respect the verdict of the electorate and work together to find solutions to the profound problems facing our nation: the debt crisis, our deep social problems and our broken political system.
Our broken political system that you spent a lot of time campaigning to keep most of? Or a different one? And as for respecting the verdict of the electorate… we’ll see, but you could start off by not claiming to be the party of government.
Today, we have achieved this much-needed agreement, overcoming political differences to forge a new government in the national interest. Of course, we must recognise that all coalitions are about compromise. This one is no different. And I want to take this opportunity to reassure about what was agreed.
The agreement commits the next government to a significantly accelerated reduction in the budget deficit, to cut £6 billion of government waste this financial year and to stop the jobs tax. The agreement also allows us to carry out key elements of the reform agenda we outlined in our manifesto – an agenda vital to turning our country round – including welfare and school reform. Moreover, we have protected our nuclear deterrent. And there will be no amnesty for illegal immigrants, nor the handover of any additional powers to the EU.
In the spirit of respecting the electorate, it would be better if you could respect me enough to realise that I’m probably intelligent enough to make my own judgement about Labour’s proposed rise in National Insurance rather than treating me like an idiot who has to be spoon fed the information by calling it a “jobs tax”.
Of course, the agreement also reflects the key priorities and objectives of the Liberal Democrats. This includes fairer funding in education, a fairer tax system and political reform – including a referendum on changing the voting system to the alternative vote.
A referendum that you’ll no doubt find a way to campaign for a “no” vote in, whether openly or via third parties.
But the past few days have not just been about compromise. What was clear as talks progressed is the common ground between the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats. And that is displayed in this agreement, with our commitment to building a green economy, decentralising power and protecting civil liberties – including scrapping ID cards.
We campaigned on the belief that we’re all in this together – and can only solve our problems together to build a stronger, more responsible society. I am confident that the coming together of two political parties to form one strong government marks a new era for Britain and for British politics. Now, let’s get down to work.
Yes, let’s get down to work. Could you start be removing me from this mailing list. I’m pretty damn certain I never asked to receive almost daily email from you & George.
Prime Minister & Leader of the Conservative Party